Back in Japn.. It is a strange feeling, to see my life and to see Japan in a different way. I tend to think of my life as being on a railroad track, going straight in one direction. I try to avoid thinking about the concept that life isn't like that--that the future can turn. The idea that my life could be bad even if I do everything "correctly" to make a good life--it's scary. Equally as scary, for me, is the idea that I could change to be anything I wanted, if I thought hard about who I am and what I want. I like the idea of a track--it keeps me from worrying (maybe that's also Japanese style, maybe part of why I like it here) But right now I have no track.. It wouldn't be bad if my railroad track had a choice between only two new directions, but it's frightening to think that the track is splitting into a million different tracks. "Now Entering Track Land"
Being here now, in this new state of mind, without a job or daily work requirement (which was my track), I can see that track--I can describe the track I was on. I don't speak Japanese very well, because on my previous track I didn't need it. It is difficult to learn kanji and new vocabulary, and I didn't _need_ it on that track, so I stopped studying. But now, I see so many tracks where it is better to have good Japanese ability. I want to understand more now. I can see many tracks I could take where I'd _need_ more Japanese. It makes me want to study more now.
But the part that is missing the most right now, to help me find the next track, is my concept of who I am. If I know 100% what I want, then finding the right job/track/etc would be easy. Even if it was a track with challenges, I would have less stress, because at least it would identify the challenges I should overcome. (Such as learning Japanese.)
Let's analyze the situation: my life. :) So far I've been studying science, because it seems to fit well with how my brain works. It is my nature to seek efficiency and to analyze (thus, I'm writing this paragraph). And, on the track of science, for people who love science, the biggest track leads to being a professor.
However, I am not perfectly suited to be a A1 professor, because I'm not great at research. I am not good at active learning, or studying, because in my life I either understood immediately or I didn't understand it very well. If I can see it, and it logically makes sense, then I usually immediately understand. For example, language is difficult for me, but geometry is easy. Politics is boring and complicated, but computers are exciting and complicated. ... The connection to being a professor is this: research is the process of actively teaching yourself. It is looking at a question repeatedly from all different angles until the answer is found. In this case, "different angles" means looking at the problem using a new background. Learning a new background means forcing yourself to understand the same thing in a new way--to speak a new language of science. Language. The active learning required to do that is the part of research I can't be self-assured about.
Also, I _tried_ to be a professor. I decided, "well, maybe I am good enough, perhaps without being able to do the big research stuff" and I applied to schools where research is less important. Not A1 research schools, but smaller universities and colleges. But even there I was not accepted.
... failure is stronger when one's heart is not behind the effort. ... Also, when the heart is not behind the decision to choose that track, one looks at "fringe benefits," or the extra things that your life gets from the job. For example, maybe a doctor gets bored with his work, but he continues because 1) it is good money and 2) he likes golfing on Tuesdays. But I couldn't see many fringe benefits from being at a small college.
I learned two things in my failed interviews. 1) Working a smaller university does not mean big money. It is hard work, for low money. [People take that track for reasons other than money.] 2) Working in a university is very much like being part of a business. In a classroom, it never seems like money is important--learning is most important, right? But the school is a business which needs to make money, and a professor has responsibilities to keep the business working. Teaching is a relatively small part of being a professor.
By listing those two things, I'm not saying that money is the most important thing for me. But I do think that money helps to make a comfortable life. I have strengths and a personality that would make me be happy in a job teaching students, but what about the rest of being a professor? The rest is business, which isn't exciting. Business means making money, and money helps.. So best idea is to find a job where my strengths are fulfilled, and the business part makes good money.
There is an expression "Follow your heart, and the money will follow." I think that only really works if you start your own business. I'm not ready for that, so for now I'll seek a job which could prepare me to do that.
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And now for something completely different.
Like a corndog... without the cornThere are a lot of bakeries near my friend's house. This is a "Hot Dog Stick," I think. The fried breading coils around the dog. It's like a doughnut, without the sugar, and with meat... and a stick.
Wiener Roll!
Complete with ketchup and mustard!Compare this to the photo of the Chicago style hotdog below, to see why many people think this is funny. Plus, the above is a bakery item.
QUIZ!! What's inside this one?
